Heavenly Father's Merciful Notice

A week ago, I was in the shower and the words to the Colin Raye song suddenly came in my head:

"If you get there before I do, don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through;
I don't know how long I'll be.
But I'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see.
And between now and then, till I see you again,
I'll be loving you. Love, me."

I knew instantly they were a tender notice from the Lord. My Grandpa was on his way back home.

You see, this song is the same love story between my Grandparents.  I've blogged about it before when last April, my Grandma passed away.  This song is one of the most beautiful memories I have of them together when we were all driving back from St. George, Utah, when I was about 10.

I called my Grandpa a week ago.  No one told me he had been diagnosed with severe dementia.  It broke my heart.  It was the first time in my lifetime I didn't hear his voice raise with love and joy as he recognized who I was.  He had no idea who I was.  I sat across from that man and had dinner six months ago and he was all with it. He was "done" with his 91 years of life and missed his wife immensely.  But he was totally lucid.  I got to tell him we were having our fifth child and then a few months later I got to tell him we were naming her after his wife, my Grandma, of 73 years. And then a week ago, he didn't even know what I was saying, much less remember me. It was a punch to the gut.

I cried.  Oh I cried. It tore me to pieces.

Hospice was called late last week. I don't think I've ever asked the Lord to make someone's life end quickly.  And I cried even harder.

My Mom just called me and told me my Grandpa is now comatose and the end is very, very close. Again, I asked my Father in Heaven for mercy.  Let it be quick.

I prayed that this sweet daughter will have enough time to learn to love him as much as I do.  She will know how important they are to me. She's had lots of time with her Grandmas, but I swear, I knew...I had that feeling weeks ago that she would come once he had met her. It's totally selfish, and I realize that. I want her to know them and this is the only way to know that...well, and through my memories.

Oh how I love my Grandparents. I will miss seeing their faces but I know that my family is forever.  And we will love each other through all eternity.  I am grateful for that knowledge.

Good Day

Today, we had probably one of the smoothest, quickest homeschool days. EVER.

The best part was looking at the babycenter.com's mockup of what the baby looks like at this point in pregnancy.

Child #3 initiated the questions. Then all slowly gathered around and started asking more questions.

It involved terms like: womb, placenta, cervix, vagina (gasp!), dilation, effacement, amniotic fluid, meconium, soft spots, skulls/plates and vernix.

They were ALL enthralled.

They all went and ran to get their "birth photo books".  They all excitedly opened them and looked at the photos as I explained that "this is [this]...and this is [that]."

Then #4 asked with the poutiest, most pathetic face possible, "Where's my birth book? I don't have a birth book..."

I found it sad, and funny.  That poor child has no photos of his birth.  Somewhere in a hospital security system in New Jersey, there might be a video tape of his chaotic birth.

But we have no photos.

I tried to explain it to him, but my explanations fell on deaf ears.  He didn't understand why I couldn't get a photographer (a good friend of mine) to drive the 25 minute drive in 10 minutes.

One day he will get it.  Until then, we will make him an "after the birth" book.

Mental Toughness...or not.

When my husband goes out of town, it generally isn't a big deal.

Not this time.

It's only been two days and I have to admit I feel wimpy.  I hurt (almost 35 weeks into pregnancy. Stupid ligaments.), I am not sleeping well (pregnancy stuff again), we homeschool (this should just be !!!), I am attempting to nest (and it's not exactly going as planned) and I have four (and a half) children under 10.

I just feel not tough. I've done this for longer and seemed to handle it better.

He was gone for 21 weeks when I was pregnant with our 3rd (I had around 10-ish weeks to go when he left), and I seemed to handle it better.

Maybe I didn't. Okay, I didn't.  It is funny how the mind only remembers certain things during tough times.

There's been a lot of yelling today. It is not my finest or greatest admission. Most of the yelling is when I found The Enabler (child #3) had climbed up and gotten down the nail polish and given it to The Mess Maker (child #4) who then proceeded to paint his nails on my FAVORITE bedspread. It has now been nail polish tattooed.  I have no words.

Yep, not my finest moment.  I think the yelling has decreased a lot recently because when I was yelling, it seemed to motivate them all to get on mom's good side...and all four children (even though they weren't all in trouble) found a room to clean spotless in a hurry.

They must know me well.

When Mom is cleaning like a maniac, Mom is upset, really upset and it's best for you to steer clear and find a way to help and calm the situation.

AND (Post edit):
I found out one (or more) of my children somehow requested refunds for items purchased on Amazon.  And they were approved for over $100.

I just made my 8th (long story) phone call to Amazon this week and I couldn't explain what happened.  Luckily, the amazon lady was patient and even said, "You watch that one name [Child #3]. My name is that I know I was trouble when I was younger.  HAHAHAHA.

Zika Virus

So for the 2 people that read this, please read this first:

 For pregnant women anywhere warm, tropical, and full of mosquitos, the Zika virus is THE talk around here.  I understand the potential freak out.  I mean, what IF you get bit and that mosquito that carries Zika bites you?  You could have POTENTIALLY changed your baby's genes and they COULD develop microcephaly...

So all that said, you could also DIE in pregnancy.  I mean, that is rough, but the statistics are actually greater for women dying in childbirth. "Sadly, over 600 women die each year in the United States as a result of pregnancy or delivery complications." (CDC website)

Yikes. 

Anyway, I found this statistic.  This is an estimate of cases of microcephaly in the US:
407 per year, 33 per month, 7 per week, 1 per day, 0 per hour, 0 per minute, 0 per second. [Source statistic for calculation: "1.02 per 10,000 births in the UK 2002 for microcephaly (University of Ulster, 2003)"

For a country the size of Brazil (200 million), they only had 150 cases reported last year of microcephaly.  Okay, that seems small for a country with the same total fertility rate as the US. (1.86 births/woman.)

I know this is a lot of numbers.

Brazil births: 2,830,458 (2012)
US births: 3,958,000 (2012)

With just those UK average numbers, the estimates for REPORTED (now this is important because there are A LOT of births in Brazil that go unreported due to geographical area):

Brazil : 288.7 cases/year of microcephaly.  That is significantly lower than the thousands of cases they are seeing now.
US: 403

The most interesting part of all this is how the demographics, politics, economic shift (from not traveling to those regions) and eventual shift in birth rates (due to some countries asking women not to get pregnant for two years).

Also, I wonder if many of these cases could have been prevented with mosquito spray and bug repellent.  A lot of these areas that cases are being reported in high numbers are areas where those may not be able to afford bug repellent.  There is so much that we don't know, I am trying to be level headed about it and not go overboard.

I hope and pray that while we're here we avoid Zika, Dengue, and Chikagunya.  All are nasty viruses. Our non-deet bug repellent works great and it's safe for babies too.

My Nana

This sweet baby that continues to grow and kick in my womb (or her womb...?) is named after both her Great grandmothers and another great, great, great grandmother. This little girl that kicks like a maniac will have a name that carries a great honor.  For the two women: one I didn't know and one that I knew and she knew me well. And if history repeats itself from the lives both women lived, she's going to be one stubborn, opinionated, self-reliant, and compassionate girl.  I can't wait to meet her.

Several weeks ago, I had an incredible experience. It was an ordinary night, doing the dishes with my two daughters and talking about their interests and such.  I mean, the conversation wasn't earth shattering.  It was just normal conversation I'd expect to have with my children.

Then I stopped drying the dish I was drying.  It was a feeling so overwhelming and warm, it caught me offguard. I tried to explain this to my husband, but at the time, I just couldn't describe it. I just knew at that moment it was someone.  Someone that loved me, loved us, immensely. They knew me really well. Which is why when I recognized who it was, the tears streamed down my face (as they are now).

It was my Nana.

My Nana committed suicide several years before I was born. I never knew her in this life.

Her warmth overwhelmed me and she gave me the intense feeling of how proud she was of me, of my husband and I, for what we are building and trying to create in our family and the world around us.

There are no words to describe that tender mercy.

I bring this up because I was reading a sweet post someone, who I don't know, posted about and I recognized those similar feelings. Beware, you'll cry.

Update on PP

So after observation this week, I noticed a couple things:

1) My 10 year old is super social.
2) She has one girl her age who isn't nearly as social.
3) The girls mentioned are a year or two younger than her.
4) There is another set of girls a year older than her.

So, just with those observations, I realized that she is sandwiched between both sets.  It puts her in an awkward situation, but temporary.

Perimeter

Our oldest daughter is 10.

Today, two girls around her age knocked on our front door and hid.  I answered (of course), but didn't realize they were hiding, and thought it was weird.

Then about 15 minutes later, they rolled by yelling her name. I saw two of them, told her to hurry outside because these girls were out on their longboards.

She moved quickly to only have the girls board or run away as she went after them.  She came to the house in tears asking,

"Mom, why did they run away from me when I was calling their name? Don't they want to play with me?"

My poor heart broke for her.

She isn't "in" with this set of girls her age in the neighborhood. I came to this conclusion over the last few weeks.  I have been watching them all interact together when all the Moms get together.  She was on the perimeter looking in and I was secretly hoping I was wrong and making a big deal of nothing.

Today just hurt me to watch it. 

Now I will never say my child is perfect. I am not perfect and I am the one RAISING her. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree sometimes. She likes to run the show, she can get snappy, many would call her bossy (I call it "potential leadership skills"), and she is a tad bit of a perfectionist.

But never does that mean it is okay to make someone cry.

I can't believe it has started so early.

I think I have empathy for her though.  I was never fully "in" the with all the girls at school or church.  I seemed to be on the perimeter and the focus of bullying. What am I kidding?  I still am on the perimeter. I am really good with it but only as a grown woman because eventually, I realized those people don't change who I am.

I hope this situation helps her.  I hope it helps her to make friends with people that make you feel good about yourself and that you want to help feel good about themselves.

I just hope she learns that much, much earlier that I did.