I am positive I have had a few keeping labor from going or starting and then stopping.
The mind is a very powerful thing and it's been in my way. (It still is in my way, but for other things...for another day.)
So, my dear, wonderful Grandpa passed away. I thought I was okay with his passing. My husband thought I was okay.
I was NOT okay.
I wanted to be okay. But I was definitely not. I was pretty much sitting between the denial and anger stage.
But, at the same time, I feel like I need to grieve the end of my childbearing days. This has been really hard for me and I have definitely been in the denial/anger stage there too.
So there I was, stuck.
Except Saturday, the anger stage came rolling in like a freight train and I didn't even know it until something set me off.
And I exploded. At the end, my poor, sweet husband sat and let me talk it out after not understanding where I was. When these words came pouring out in sobs, I knew I was moving forward again:
"This hurts. I don't want it to hurt. I want to call my Grandpa and hear his voice, his laugh. I can't and won't ever in this Earth life.
I don't want labor to hurt. [Long pause. I realized quickly what was happening in my head.] I want this to be quick with little pain.
But to grieve and to give life, hurt has to happen. I can't avoid it. I can't fight it. It has to happen and the fear has to leave."
And just like that, I felt immense peace and I was moving forward. I am not sure where I am now, I just know that has always been my most difficult stage - the anger/bargaining/depression stage.
I also know that Sunday after this breakthrough, things got moving in the labor department. While we don't have a baby yet, I am much more confident that I am happy to bring on whatever happens, pain and all.