Monday, March 14, 2016

Mental Blocks

I have read, several times, about mental blocks in labor.

I am positive I have had a few keeping labor from going or starting and then stopping.

The mind is a very powerful thing and it's been in my way. (It still is in my way, but for other things...for another day.)

So, my dear, wonderful Grandpa passed away.  I thought I was okay with his passing.  My husband thought I was okay.

I was NOT okay.

I wanted to be okay.  But I was definitely not.  I was pretty much sitting between the denial and anger stage.

But, at the same time, I feel like I need to grieve the end of my childbearing days.  This has been really hard for me and I have definitely been in the denial/anger stage there too.

So there I was, stuck.

Except Saturday, the anger stage came rolling in like a freight train and I didn't even know it until something set me off.

And I exploded. At the end, my poor, sweet husband sat and let me talk it out after not understanding where I was.  When these words came pouring out in sobs, I knew I was moving forward again:

"This hurts. I don't want it to hurt. I want to call my Grandpa and hear his voice, his laugh. I can't and won't ever in this Earth life.

I don't want labor to hurt. [Long pause.  I realized quickly what was happening in my head.] I want this to be quick with little pain.
But to grieve and to give life, hurt has to happen.  I can't avoid it. I can't fight it.  It has to happen and the fear has to leave."

And just like that, I felt immense peace and I was moving forward. I am not sure where I am now, I just know that has always been my most difficult stage - the anger/bargaining/depression stage.

I also know that Sunday after this breakthrough, things got moving in the labor department. While we don't have a baby yet, I am much more confident that I am happy to bring on whatever happens, pain and all.

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