Alignment

Preface: Please remember that all of these posts are from MY PERSPECTIVE.  This is my way of coping, my way of dealing with this situation.  While I appreciate thoughtfulness, I will admit that I am not open to any advice right now.  Someone gave me some yesterday and had they been talking to me face to face, I might have punched them.  All of this is my opinion and I fully accept responsibility for what I say.  Do not assume or think that this is how my family feels also (aka "she said this... so her family must feel the same".  That would be a negative.  We all cope with grief differently.  Mine is getting it all out there on paper.  Some how for me it makes it real and makes me face what it is.

I am a spiritual person.  Our family is spiritual.  Many times (especially, big ones) we make a decision, and then go to the Lord in prayer making sure this is the direction he needs us to go.

For me, when I get an answer that it is correct, it comes in a feeling of peace and comfort, which gives me confidence that it is the best for me and our family.

If it is a 'no' or a 'not right now', then I either feel one of two things: nothing or confusion.

Our lives for the past six months have been hectic.

But the last month has been horrible.

Three weeks ago, my grandmother passed away.  My sister and I had a very close relationship with my grandparents. I went out to see her last September and I knew that was my farewell to her.  My last memories of her fill my mind with joy and peace.  So even though I was sad at her passing, I had already accepted and gone through the stages of grief.  It helped me focus on her life and the incredible memories I have of her.

Just as I was recovering from that, our family got a bomb dropped on us, a figurative punch to the gut, and news that left us breathless.

I don't know if it is public yet, so I won't say anything.  But, it is horrible.  I am in a state of shock still.

That said, my husband and I got on our knees and asked the Lord for peace and strength.  We will need it.

We told our kids immediately.  The older two both cried, but our sweet O, who HATES to cry with people around, got angry and then sat with his dad and sobbed.  It broke my heart.  This  may be the most difficult time for my six year old.  He doesn't want comfort from me and I don't know how to help him.  I feel helpless with him. It is awful. 

My personal prayers have been one of putting my heart and mind in alignment with the Lord's will.  I know that if I see the big picture, the whole plan, then it makes this process "more effective."  I would never use the word "easy" or "happy" or "simple".  Because it isn't, for any of us.  But I feel that if I spend more time seeing what the Lord needs me to do or learn from this and not fighting against it because I'm wishing for something that won't happen, this process will be different.  It is going to hard, rough, sad, happy, miraculous, and peaceful; and it may be all those emotions at the same time.

I just don't want to waste time on things I can't change and I don't want to miss the things that I need to do, learn, hear, or feel.